Nikkilude #2: Where’s the barfbag? I’m gonna be homesick

I hate admitting this, but I am unbelievably homesick. I came here thinking I would be more taken by culture shock versus feeling emotional thinking about home. If I’m being completely honest, I cry frequently. I’m definitely a cryer in general, so this isn’t alarming (for example, I cried at ‘How to Train your Dragon’…). I cry because I miss my friends, my old life, the things I’ll be missing out on back home, I’m exhausted, I’m confused, I’m constantly in fear about everything, I feel inadequate physically compared to Argentine women, my Spanish really bites sometimes and am distrustful of everybody—which is in direct opposition to my university’s town where everything is safe, all my friends are near and my sense of self is rarely shaken. I feel totally alone at times and really other than crying and writing, there’s not much I can do about it until more time has passed.  I’ve traveled a lot, but my return is never that far from my original departure, so there’s always the sense of knowing I will be home soon. But I am here for 10 months. Looking at a calendar makes me feel hopeless. 10 months in this city that at times I love, but at most times am distrustful of. Every day I wonder if I really want to be here for that long. Not just because I miss my friends and life back home, but because there are so many things I didn’t account for before my trip that at times, 10 months doesn’t sound feasible financially, socially and psychologically. I have until the middle of May to make my final decision about whether or not I truly want to stay for that long, and I hope by then I will be greatly accustomed to the culture and language. For every benefit of leaving, there’s a benefit to staying…right now, I’m torn. I feel so weak admitting this though, because I’ve talked about this trip for years and everybody knows I’m supposed to be gone for 10 months. You’re not supposed to come home early from your dream trip…and as much as you and I would like to give me credit for being really independent and stable, right now I’m fragile, vulnerable and self-conscious of everything.