The following entry is very personal, as I am coming to
terms with the fact that some of my defining traits that have brought me
success are actually detrimental to my well being here (and maybe overall).
Additionally, as I question myself on this journey, it makes me wonder if
National Geographic and traveling the world should be my dream if I’m
struggling so much…and nobody likes to question themselves and their dream.
Despite being a highly motivated person, seemingly capable
of anything with a very healthy level of self-confidence, at times I am very
ill-equipped to deal with situations that are completely foreign (literally!).
My first year on the debate team was a testament to this. My first year of
college was a testament to this. And if you knew me in either situation, I
apologize for the negative, poor attitude you had to endure as I tried to
figure out how to cope with my blatant struggle. Luckily because of these
experiences, I have learned to cope with a much more positive attitude. Yet I’m
still an impatient perfectionist which makes for a terrible combination when I
face something that takes time to get used to and I’m bad at it. In my mind, I
have to be perfect, overachieve and look good while I’m doing it. You can see
how this can be dangerous.
This is what I struggle with:
·
Sometimes I can’t speak Spanish well enough to
express myself how I want to, meaning I feel incomplete or that I’m
misunderstood. Self-expression, for me, is probably one of the most important things and if I can't convey my Nikkiness, I feel like an animal locked in a tiny cage.
·
I can’t always understand people in the streets,
stores or restaurants and the way they sometimes react to me negates my years
and years of studying Spanish, making me feel like an idiot.
·
While I do have a friend (dare I say best
friend?!) we don’t have a group and obviously I can’t do every single thing
with her and vice versa. Sometimes I want to go do things but don’t have a
buddy so I end up staying home. That’s no good.
·
It’s a little harder to make friends:
o
I don’t live that close to anyone else in my
program so it’s not like back home where I walk 5 seconds and find a buddy.
o
While I do spend a solid 5 hours with my class
every day, these are really the only people I know that well—befriending people
in other class levels is hard (especially when you consider that I want to
speak Spanish as much as possible, so if I hang out with someone in a beginning
level, we’ll be speaking English)
o
School hasn’t started yet so I haven’t met that
many locals
·
I’m a perfectionist control freak that can be
prone to meltdowns when too many things don’t go my way. And while Argentina is
probably one of the most functional Latin American states, it’s plagued with
things that go wrong, don’t work, aren’t there or just don’t feel like helping
you.
o
I’m realizing that it’s unhealthy to strive for
such perfection, thus one of my strengths is also one of my flaws.
·
I am constantly thinking about whether or not I
truly want to and can stay here for 2 semesters as I originally planned. For
every reason I should stay, there seems to be 2 or 3 more reasons why I don’t
want to.
o
The thing with this is that I have soooo much
time to decide, so I shouldn’t even be focusing on it—but I do and constantly
think about the outcomes of either decision and worry that I’ll make the “wrong”
choice.
·
I am just a tangled mess of anxiety sometimes.
Am I enjoying this? Yes, of course. But do I really have the passion about
Buenos Aires that I thought I did? Not yet. Sometimes it’s so exhausting to
just go to class and come home that I don’t want to do anything else. This makes
me feel like I’m wasting precious time, which makes me more stressed out. But
if I’m stressed, then I won’t wanna go out. It’s a vicious cycle.
·
I hate being so far away from everybody I love
and have now realized how truly essential my friends are. Seriously, I love you
guys and I need you guys. I am nothing without you all.
·
I know all these problems are just a part of culture
shock and confronting myself in the midst of it all—but still, I don’t know
when this will go away or if it will and I’m sick of being told that “it’s just
culture shock” because it’s so much deeper than that. I need to talk through my
problems and feelings to resolve conflict. Knowing why I’m upset is only the
first step of the equation. Knowing I’m culture shocked doesn’t help me get
through it other than the fact that only time will tell.
·
I spend too much time thinking about time. While
seemingly small, this is a serious problem and the one that eats away at me
hour after hour, day after day.
No comments:
Post a Comment